As my sister Suzie says ...

 ... LIFE. It grew into a very sad day this day … began with my computer failing me and calls and calls to Apple and Spectrum and texts and e mails and incorrect passwords and low batteries, recorded voices and stupid stress inducing muzak and erasing everything on my machine and reinstalling and promises bout retrieval and on and on and I lose everything at first except fotos… documents folder is empty ... including my plays and seventeen years of journal ... twelve hundred pages and it feels at first like my memory was erased and then I thought about this year and people losing their lives, and homes and livelihoods and minds, loved ones and so many things more ... and it grabbed hold of me and made me contemplate tonglen. Compassion and empathy. Turn things round. Utilize adversity. Yes, that's the way too proceed but still blue and feeling stupid for not having been more taking care and I go to genius bar at Apple and say to a long haired smart guy with good teeth ... I'm hoping for a miracle and he fixes a few little things and asks me lots of questions including … could the doc have gotten a new name … the journal … and I say I don’t think so - I checked -and he says you might try having someone at Mikes Tech emporium try data recovery … which is ex spend sieve … btw 300 and 1200 dollars and I walk home thinking about what my remembrances r worth and really what do they matter and what does ... and I come up heart empty and I get home and go online and find some things are back and the doc somehow went from “bigjournal” to “journalword” - who knows. O what a tangled web this day, this time, this banged up world circling round and round us ever more turning brings.