one thing today

 I'm scheduled to enter the Army on Wednesday. I will not go and wonder what will happen to me. I am with a Latina girl. She doesn't like to spend time with me. I tell her it's over. She cries and stands next to her old boyfriend. I ask her - why are you crying, you don't even like to spend time with me. And her old bf seems very cool and nice. Go with him , I tell her.  My parents are off to play some rounds of golf. I want to sleep all day alone in the house. Single once more. I am barefoot and have to leave work and am self conscious about my shoelessness. A work colleague shows up. We take the same route home and I don't want to travel with him.

    Anguish comes in many forms.  Not sad exactly.  Has some regret in it.  Surprise. Disappointment. Leaving.  Music, maybe a clarinet screeching.  Beseechment.  Humility knocks.  And uncertainty, but, then again. No.  There must be air and light and motion.  Movement through space and time.  Forwardness.  Sadness I support.  Part of it all, that’s all.  But music. 

 

  ... it's clear to me. Good character is about making others feel heard, known, appreciated, welcome, warm, enjoyable. Listen, inquire, encourage. It can be cultivated but you gotta have the initial awareness of the requirement to improve, enhance, increase. It takes desire and time and a willingness to be invested, consistent, persistent. It gets easier to understand. It gets harder to do.

Ain't it grand how the small things we love give us big pleasure. I bought this beautiful box in Paris maybe 50 years ago. I paid 40 dollars for it. It's Florentine leather which gets  better with age.   It is a full-grain Italian vacchetta  tanned with tree bark extracts. It has deep, wide corner grooves. It's a great thing to rub.  I don't know where I found this cool pencil sharpener. It makes my number 2s sharp and ready for action. And again, it's a good rub. The shavings are pretty, too. 

Its  8 in the morning.  I go to the deli for coffee and see Marcos .  Me: Somethings different about you. What is it?  M: I shaved. ME: You look ten years younger.  M: I don't like it.  ME: You don't like looking ten years younger?  M: No.  ME: How come?  M: I don't know.  Me: And you hair looks really good, too.  M: Well, sure. The hair's always been beautiful. I walk through the Village. It looks like it's in Technicolor. I take a pic of two proud griffins - aren't they all.  I go down to the river to move. I think about my convo with sister Suzie yesterday. She asked me - notice anything different about me on this call. I tell her - you seem, peaceful, calm, a good mile per hour. She says - I haven't interrupted you. I say - oh, right . My beautiful sis changes. Gets better. Few people do.  I get a text from Lynda. Jay had a heart attack in Boston.  I talk to Sharkey. He thinks homelessness should be illegal. I do ...

David is the best super in new york city and lucky me, he's mine.  This week, he turned a closet in my foyer into a book shelf. Flawless. He underestimates his worth. I told him I'll pay him twice what he asked for. He said   - I'll take it . I told him he's gotta know his worth. People pay for his time and and labor and talent. I paid him yesterday morning and included a good tip. I said - let's do more soon . He said - Yeah. Break something. 

I was going to write about how stupid it was that all these friends sent a friend of ours prayers for his daughter to come thru brain surgery - like God has to have a   dozen more "likes" to see to it that she comes thru alive. But instead, I'll note how beautiful the sun plops on my table as I finish a painting of the oldest house on Fire Island and listen to Samuel Barbers Adagio for Strings.  

David Sedaris was asked if he could go back and repeat a moment - what would it be. He described a Fall afternoon when he was in his early 20s and he brought his sisters record player out into the backyard and raked leaves while listening to Phoebe Snows first album.   Mine would be a Thanksgiving at Pattys house - probably '77 or '78. As usual, her parents were away and Don is with us and he's very relaxed and reading a newspaper in the den. I think it felt so special because it was a merging of my past in her home - stoned summers listening to music with my friends and talking about what our futures were going to be - and having D there now - my new life. Here. 

hi patty  t ime to get something ancient off my chest. years and years ago - it seems like everything is that now - Don asked me if you could stay at my place while you were in town and I said nay.  At the time, I was in a deep depression - something I appear to have outgrown in old age - thank goodness. But I always felt bad about squashing that request. I could hardly get out of bed and act like a semi-normal creature. was not proper company. I was a beastly ghost or a ghostly beast. both are bad.  Paul I must admit I have no recollection of asking Don for a place to stay! When we moved upstate I came back on occasion for work but always stayed with friends in the neighborhood . Please don’t feel bad!  

  excerpt from My Abuela and the Bully   He's got a   brand new Spalding Supreme Top Flite 100 in his hands. I've never seen one in person. Just in magazines. It costs twenty bucks. He shoots more words at me than ever before and uses a quiet Confession voice. I never knew he had a suit.   Good morning, Paul. This is for you. I know you don't do layups good. I'm gonna teach you everything I know. You'll be junior varsity with me next year. I have to go to the vets now with my worrywart mom. She thinks Wolgangs (their Doberman) got scarpotic mange. I give him a wha look. You know, scabies . I'll   catch up with   later.   Have a very nice day and I hope you have a lot of fun. 

  weekend with family. pool, laughs, new admissions and discoveries. a sister tells of our father when she was seven. They set out for the bakery. She sits in the front seat and grows impatient with him and our mom talking at his window.  She puts her foot on the gas pedal. Dad becomes enraged. She jumps out of the car and hides behind bushes near the chimney. She is forever changed.

3 of my besties are currently making me nuts and I hope they stop it soon.  but they won't. they will continue to be who they are and do the things they do and think the way they think. as will I.  why do we say foolish, hurtful things? why do we stay stuck in things that shaped us such a long time ago - when we were ripe to take things in, whether they were right or wrong or true or not.  It's wrong to think time will change things. Time changes nothing. It holds things that never ever leave us. 

    I take a five minute walk to buy wine. I pass a guy walking his dog in 99 degree heat. For some reason - something in that sight - brings to mind a beautiful Asian reporter at the Newshour back in the day. She wears expensive clothes  and walks in a determined clip. We stand next to each other on line in the station cafeteria. She is served mysterey meat, potatoes and string beans. I say to her - I always wondered if those were real or instant. She scoops a spoonful of potato and says - open . I taste it and say -  real . She nods and says -  now we know . I walk into the wine store and when I take out my wallet to pay, I notice one of my two credit cards is missing. As I cross the street, I wonder if I lost it - when from behind me ... sir, sir.   A guy from the store waves a  my card , I say to him - t he best, the best. I go home and find the other card in a pair of shorts in the laundry. fascinating, huh?

an all tech all the way bad day. at first. hate them but did get my phone and mac and tv fixed. but had to go thru that tunnel of trouble ... that boulder that sits tight until is doesn't in most endeavors. you doubt yourself, you go way too far, it gets way more complicted than it needs to be. that fuckin house icon vs the rectangle with the arrow piercing it on the remote.  Samsung - get thee to different..  oh and btw ... if you're a billionare and you get married at Madison Square Garden  - you are officialy baned for life from the Cool Artist Club.   God Almighty Fuckin' gggggeeeeeezzzz. never underwhelms.

  It started with a grocery list H sent me cause he couldn't decipher it. and then back in the city - having a hard time figuring out what I note to myself. penmanship/cursive - I gotta change. 

  M entioned this in passing the other day. everyone looks very tasty on Village streets in this just hatched july. the streets look more movie well lit for some reason. most everyone is fit. they wait in line, blocks and blocks of them, for Greek yogurt. blocks long. 77% of everyone is 28. the boys are not tall, they care about their hair and clothes and show off what their trainer plots for them. babies are more cute than usual. people look better when they're trying to impress. no dirty nails, no frayed collars. girls hang out in 3s and 7s or 17s. they don't seem to care about the boys. and the gay boys with their clothes so tight out in the neon night know they may get lucky so they try to look happy if they're not. talked with two out of towners about how expensive everyone is  and we compared walking to school in the snow stories. I made a dozen somethings in June - paintings, photos, collages, writing - it's like I am chaneling him since he don't be doing tha...