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JOHN sits in an empty movie theater. MARY walks into the room holding a large box of popcorn. She sits directly behind him. He turns around to look at her and then turns back around. The movie hasn't started.  A voice announces "Please pardon the delay.  The movie will begin as soon as we address a projector malfunction."

JOHN

God damnit. 

MARY

Excuse me.

JOHN

Yes. 

MARY

Please don't curse. 

JOHN

Please don't what ? 

MARY

You cursed. I can't abide cursing. 

JOHN

Girlie, please. 

MARY

Can I help it if I take offense to bad words?

JOHN

Yeah, you can. 

MARY

No I can't. 

JOHN

Why don't go sit somewhere else? 

MARY

I like it here.

JOHN

Oh yeah? 

MARY

Yeah. The last time I looked it's still a free country.

JOHN

It's a movie theater, darlin'. With empty seats galore.

MARY

Please don't call me darlin'. I don't know you. 

JOHN

How bout we keep it that way.

MARY

I'm nobody's darlin'. 

JOHN

That doesn't surprise me.  

MARY

I'm not and I don't want to be.

JOHN

I hope you're not gonna talk when the movie begins. You know that's illegal, right?

MARY

Are you trying to be a smart aleck? 

JOHN

I am smart. I don't have to try to be. 

MARY

Why are you so full of myself? 

JOHN

Please, girlie.

MARY

I didn't start anything. 

JOHN

Yes you did. 

MARY

You did. 

JOHN

Didn't. 

MARY

Did. 

JOHN

Jesus.

MARY

You shouldn't take God's name in vain.

JOHN

Bye, kid. I'm over and outing here.

MARY

Fine with me. 

JOHN

Finito. 

MARY

But just one thing. 

JOHN

What? 

MARY

Are you gonna keep your hat on when the film begins.

JOHN

You gotta be shitin' me.

MARY

I'm not. 

JOHN

Girlie, there's a big clue in what its called. 

MARY

What do you mean? 

JOHN

It's a skullcap. 

MARY

OK. 

JOHN

Think about it. 

MARY

I just thought you might want to ... 

JOHN

I want you to get out of my hair. 

MARY

I was just ... 

JOHN

OK. I have an Afro. I'm doin' you a favor. 

MARY

Oh, really? 

JOHN

Yeah, oh really. My bush would obliterate your view. You'd have to move to one of all these other empty seats.

MARY

I like it just where I am. 

JOHN

Why? 

MARY

I don't have to explain myself to you. 

JOHN

G-e-e-ez-z-z.  How bizzare is this thing here.

          MARY

Well, I think it's bizarre you won't take off your hat so I can enjoy the movie. 

JOHN

And I told you ... I have a ...

MARY

I don't believe you. You're making that up.

           JOHN

Girlie, I wish I was making you up.

MARY

There's nothing imaginary about me. 

JOHN

If only. 

MARY

And there's no need to be sarcastic. 

       JOHN

I'm serious. 

MARY

You think you're being funny. But you're being hostile.

  JOHN

All right, weirdo. You caught me. I'm not being straight with you. 

MARY

I knew it in my bones. 

JOHN

I don't have an Afro. 

MARY

You didn't fool me, not for a second. 

JOHN

I'm bald. 

MARY

So?

JOHN

I had a serious accident last year.

MARY

A lot of people had an accident last year. 

JOHN

Girlie, the fucked up crap that comes outta your mouth. 

MARY

Again. Language ! Stop. 

JOHN

I couldn't have said it better. 

MARY

What do you mean?

JOHN

Let's stop the language.  

MARY

Fine with me. 

JOHN

I have horrible scars all over my head. From the car crash. They would repulse you. So just keep your mouth shut and mind your own business and I won't scare the shit outta you.  

MARY

Oh, how do you know what would repulse me. You're such a know it all. 

JOHN

Not at all. 

MARY

And you have no right to tell me to be quiet. I'll talk if and when I want to. And as much as I want. For as long as I want. 

JOHN

How bout you go sit somewhere else. Like way over there or over there. Where I won't hear you chomping on your  popcorn.

        MARY

Oh, now it's my chewing that annoys you. 

JOHN

Yeah, your  chewing and your yaking and you're migraine inducing Woolworths perfume. 

MARY

What's Woolworths? 

JOHN

It's a five and dime. 

MARY

What's a five and dime?

JOHN

Geeezzz. It's like talking to a chimp.  A five and dime was like a general store. They had all kinds of really cheap stuff. 

MARY

How am I supposed to know that? 

JOHN

I don't know, girlie. Maybe because ... forget it, it's hopeless talking to you. I really don't care what ...

MARY

That's the problem. You don't care. You're one of those people who don't care about people or Africa or the future of our rotting planet and if ... 

JOHN

Darlin' you are wearing me out. You're knocking me the fuck out. 

MARY

Oh, your mouth. What a garbage pail. Why are you being so vile even after ... 

JOHN

How am I bein' vile?

MARY

Where do I begin? 

JOHN

How bout you don't begin. 

MARY

Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you? 

JOHN

How about you end. 

MARY

You end. 

JOHN

You ever hear of Abraham Lincoln ? 

MARY

Now you're making fun of me. 

JOHN

He said ... and I quote ... it's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubts." 

MARY

Now you're calling me a fool. It just so happens that I have an associates degree. 

JOHN

Good for you. 

MARY

From a highly regarded soon to be accredited community college. 

JOHN

How fortunate for that community.  

MARY

You're making fun of me. So funny I forgot to laugh. 

JOHN

OK. Congratulations. 

MARY

Thank you. 

JOHN

You're welcome. 

MARY

See, it's not that hard to be nice. 

JOHN

That's not something I've ever aspired to. 

MARY

Nice is nice. It's simple as that. 

JOHN

If you say so. 

MARY

I say so. 

JOHN

Ok-k-k-k-k-k-k !  They fixed the problem. Here we go. Please. Whoever you are. No more talking.  I'll notify the management if you do. 

MARY

OK. 

JOHN

Promise. 

MARY

Promise. 

JOHN

Good.

MARY

Just one more thing. 

JOHN

Now what? 

MARY

Would you like to grab a Starbucks after the movie? 

JOHN

Probably.

MARY

Good. 

         JOHN

Yeah.

         MARY

Happy movie.